My Life in Ruins

Hello everyone. Long time no talk.

I believe you all deserve an explanation. So I will get right to it.

I. am. depressed.

Yes, the big "D" word!  There I said it, I admit it.  I often have a difficulty putting my emotions in to words, and therefore lock the entire world out.  My golden rule is to never, ever, blog when I am sad, upset, or, yep you got it...depressed.

Here's the thing, I have mentioned before that I can no longer have babies and while I am starting to be "O.K." with this tragedy in my life, I still find it difficult to handle the news of other pregnancies.  There are SOOO many people I know are either pregnant or just had babies.

Don't get me wrong, I AM HAPPY for them! Bringing a new life in to this word is amazing! I mean AHHHHMAZING! And to be honest, I am not sure I would want to do it all over again at this point, yes, that is selfish but I have had 8 years to really learn the ropes and I kinda like going to bed and getting up when I want.  Plus, I was able to inherit another kid. I was lucky.  I. am. lucky.

But here's the thing; there is one consideration I think people should take in to when "announcing" their pregnancy:

• Can you please even act like you are happy? -The worse thing you can to is announce your pregnancy to someone who cannot get pregnant and act pissed off or unhappy. Whether you are trying to be funny or not....it is NEVER funny to someone who can't get pregnant. I. mean. NEVER!

Yes, this happened recently. Yes, I am having a hard time letting it go. Yes, I was extremely upset, vulnerable  had horrible thoughts, and yes, depression kicked in.  

I am working on getting over it.  Especially because some other terrible things have also happened our life.  I've learned that you can't go on being upset about things {and people} you can't control.  That said, my personality makes me want to control EVERYTHING!  This is a very new concept for me and I am working on it.

So what is next?  I don't know. I need to get out of this funk I am in.  I have been re-doing my OHHHGLAY kitchen to help me concentrate on happier things but it's a slow progress.  Believe it or not, I haven't really worn a whole lot of makeup and my hair is almost never done...yes, I'm a mess.

I'm not sure if or when I will be back to blogging. I love it, I truly do, but right now I just want to sit in my home and continue to paint my kitchen and be sad....my life I know....

Do know that I am running almost everyday....Follow me on Runkeeper (QueenNicole01)...I am still working on trying to use My Fitness Pal everyday (QueenNicole01).  WeightNot is okay, The program kinda sucks this go around, and I haven't lost weight like I did on the other one, but that said I am down 10+ lbs.  Instagram has been my go to social media app these days (you guessed it QueenNicole01) and I am missing my twitter hearts and will probably back on there soon.

I am getting all your emails and messages and I miss you all too.  Bare with me. If you have ever had to deal with depression before you most certainly understand where I am coming from!

xoxo!